Nowhere today
So today I was really clumpsy
and missed school.
So annoying really when I just had 1 seminar,
and I really needed to go aswell.
But thats how it is.
Tomorrow me and Lijah are going to Westfield,
and I'm going to do some shopping(again).
And try to coulour my hair so
I don't need to to it ever again.
That would be great since im terribly tierd of my roots.
Btw I watched Nowhere Boy today,
had no clue what it was about.
And it was about John Lennons early years,
lovely things to know.
(and it's not a bad thing that the actor is hot.)
Not just obsessive with movies,
like mentioned before I've been watching Gossip Girl
everyday for the past weeks.
But the Chuck Blair history is to interesting to ignore,
I... can't.... restrain.... myself.
Update:
R was in the bathroom taking a shower,
all the suddenly we her a scream from the bathroom.
And apparantly a spider jumped into the tub with her,
so she waited for the water to run down with the spider in it.
Funny
A beating behind my ribs
My search for a new room/flat continues,
this time it has to be right, really right.
I gave R some pungiun licorice
she gave the worst sound I have ever heard from her.
Turned around in panick and spit it out,
it was the funniest thing I have ever seen.
I think I forgot to mention that I bought
the wedges I was looking at.
They are actually really comfortable,
but still need to walk in them more.
But they are g-o-r-g-e-o-u-s.
Today I am a bit more positive about everything,
and ca nactually see options.
Too many feelings yesterday but today
it is all good.
Even though I'm stressed about school,
flats and work.
But it will work out anyways,
at least I hope it will.
Called N today since its his birthday,
boy he got surprised.
"Hi, its Kajsa
Wait who?
Kajsa?!
WHO?!"
But it was nice to speak to him,
it was all too long ago now.
Hopefully he can come and visit soon
and hopefully it is a lot warmer here by then.
Going to watch some more flats and some GG,
and then bed.
Night, babes.
my new shoes btw.
Monstrous exposure
How can I fix this?
This mess i feel inside.
I'm used to a lot of mess outside myself,
inside is another different reason.
It is hard when it hits you from nowhere,
and you suddenly realise you have no one to turn to.
And everything is just tearing you up from inside,
and all you can do is let it rip you to pieces.
However, I still refuse this feeling.
After all these years of knowledge about it
I just can't do it anymore.
Because sometimes it just feels like everyone is
leaving you behind without any regrets.
Even though this may not be the case
this feeling of loneliness and exposure
force these thoughts to feed.
Right now I'm missing the words
I just don't dare to write.
Screw this feelings,
am i suppose to shout.
Is facial masks suppose to hurt a bit?
And for how long should I have it on my skin?
scaaaary.
Undercover blue
Been haning out with my brother
and my dad today.
We went on the famous bustour in around London,
actually it was amazing and I learned alot.
Around to Covent Garden,
found an awesome comedian who performed there.
The funniest thing I've seen in a long time.
And then, just to see the english pub styles
we visit L's work.
It was a fun day but kinda long for me
since we walked around for ages.
On my way backmy flatmates wanted me to
buy beer for them.
Tierd as I was I wanted to do a good deed,
when I get back they were asleep.
So mad, why the hell did I buy them for like
fucking 9 pounds if no one was drinking them?!
To my faviorite (MSN) boy back in the cold country;
You spoke words that melted in my hands,
you spoke words of wisdom.
cheers and night everyone.
cr-r-r-ank it up
Tomorrow my dad and brother gets here,
I am ridicoulosly happy.
Even though it is not for long I am
like a little girl, can you see the excitment?
It is amazing and I really can't sleep right now,
too much enjoying the moment.
An now, watching clips from AGT,
love these so typical and rather boring stories.
But they are awesome if you want to be a bit
sentimental, and I'm always sentimental during nights.
When I should sleep.
So
Go
To
Sleep
night,babes.
Most played songs right now
All my life I've beenthe slave of consequens
wondering how this life could me so intricate
I wanna rewrite my heart and let the future in,
I wanna open it up and let somebody in.
And it's like im diving into emptiness
But least theres something beating in my chest.
Last call for everything.
A pool of emmalines delirious
She lingers like a chain
It's more than grave but not to serious.
Send your reverie to me
Faker.
Into the mouth of green morning,
Faker.
I am so wide awake
The wind is moving blossoms through the door.
It's more than I can take
But half as much as what it was before.
Send your reverie to me
Faker.
Into the mouth of green morning,
A pool of emmalines delirious
She lingers like a chain
It's more than grave but not to serious.
Send your reverie to me
Faker.
Into the mouth of green morning,
Faker.
I am so wide awake
The wind is moving blossoms through the door.
It's more than I can take
But half as much as what it was before.
Send your reverie to me
Faker.
Into the mouth of green morning,
Faker
Miike Snow
Mr. Medicine
miss answers and conversations,
how we can dicuss things that can't even be discussed.
I miss it all.
But enough with the sentimental stuff,
no time to look back, to the sides or anywhere else.
From now and straighforward is what counts.
Btw, my presentation sucked.
But how should I know that groupmembers
are suppose to jump off the last second without any info.
I did it though on an hour and that I'm proud off,
but still bu tutor thought it sucked.
And the worst part is that I can't really explain either,
it would be tacky to rat the out in some way.
Whatever, almost every presentation is over,
now I just have the tasks and some essays left.
Shoe shopping, even though I can't try them on.
But nevermind I 'll go there on friday or saturday!
When my dad and brother comes here,
I will be so happy to see them
Even though it's not too long ago but still,
it's always fun when people come and visit me.
These are the shoes I want,
lucky for me they are fucking expensive.
Happiness!
Valentines day? Really?
Sometimes I just wish it was up to me,
so i don't have to rely on others all the time.
If I could have done the presentation by myself,
everything would have been done.
But right now, I'm waiting for other people to finish it.
I can't control them,
and it bugs me!
Well, done with the complaining for a while.
I'm still on pins and needles
for the place in finsbury park.
Btw, I just have to mention it is
Valentines day to day.
So why is everybody so happy about it?
Espacially if you are kind of lonley
why would you want to celebrate lonliness?
feels like im diving into emptiness,
yet there is something
beating and a bubbling fire,
from the chore of my inside.
Refusal to spend the days,
chasing monsters and illusions
I will to miss you tomorrow.
Some things are suppose to be left misunderstood,
but others is better to clear out.
And that was this weekend,
I cleared out all the misunderstandings.
Cleared out all my feelings,
I don't know if I feel empty or just relieved.
It could be in both ways aswell,
my chest feels heavy at the moment.
But after all my presentations in school and
alsowhen my dad comes.
Everything will fall in place soon,
trying not to be worried.
I'll hold my breath till you get here.
The weekende was very nice though,
I got a way from school a bit.
That feels nice not have to think about it 24/7,
but now the thoughts catch my attention again.
snapped some pics last weekend,
well moste of them is not taken by me.
But still.
When I am absolutely charming...
But they are abselutley charming...
..as ever.
And this was our entertainment.
Sentences, meanings and abstract conclusions
Okay, so my life is pretty messed up.
Like always but it's fine.
Looking for jobs that suit me,
hard to find since I live so far away.
Can't really work in Hendon because
it's too far.
Not really in central either.
I really don't know what to write,
because nowadays I have some sort of writers blockage.
No clue where it come from,
maybe I need to get a bit depressed or something?
Or a bit less depressed?
No,really it is kinda hard for me to write
complete sentences.
Going to the LDU to fix that!
Well, going to bed so I manage to fix my presentation tomorrow.
Nighty.
Btw, orderd some books.
Hope They can make me smart.
FU
Can't do it any more,
been sitting for 5 hours applying for jobs.
and my phone is fucking shit,
I still can't text anyone.
Well it works if i send to R,
but she is in the same house!
Angry, angry, angry.
Going to watch a film instead of being angry.
bye.
Localisation; 6th street
Now R is coming with us,
I am so happy.
Just girls tonight!
That is awesome,
maybe some outfit pics later on.
We'll see, we'll see.
Hope everyone is enjoying their Saturday night.
Put on your dancing shoes.
Right now I have been obsessing GG,
pretty embarrassing I know.
Everything feels so messed up right now,
but in a way I like it.
My life is usually messed up and I have come to and conclusion,
that it is quiet okay.
Today I am going out again,
this time with more planning though
but I am really happy to finally attend to KOKO.
Everyone has said it is good
I really hope it is.
On the other hand I try to lower
my expectations.
Well, wish me good luck to try to get home today.
Three buses 1.40 minutes from Camden.
Maybe I should try to climb the social ladder,
try to get some more drama in my life.
Will it work?
Or maybe I am not classy enough,
We'll see!
To Ramona
Do not think I can go to bed,
sometime everything just feels so empty.
Like there is nothing to make an effort for,
or something like that.
I really have no clue,
sometimes you just feel so lonely.
I don't want to be depressing or anything,
but today I felt like putting it out there.
Tomorrow is going to be a good day though,
going for coffee with K and finish my essay.
And then I have a whole weekend
not have to think about school for a while.
That feels so good, amazing.
By the way, just figured out my dad is coming
here in like 3 weeks.
I am so excited to meet him and J.
Well update about my horrific writing skills
in the essay tomorrow.
I think I need some sleep.
I've heard you say many times
That you're better 'n no one
And no one is better 'n you
If you really believe that
You know you have
Nothing to win and nothing to lose
That you're better 'n no one
And no one is better 'n you
If you really believe that
You know you have
Nothing to win and nothing to lose
Endure this night alone, again.
If there is something that can piss me off
it is the fucking web cam that just don't want to work!
I really don't get it since it works in every other aspect,
but when it comes to take photos,no.
Then I need to plug it in.
Like that is easy when it is built in to the laptop,
yeah I'll just open up the computer and it will work.
I am doing my third essay in psychology now
and I really hope I can get into the 2.2 grade.
Improvement have to be made since my sociology essay
got a much higher grade then the psychology ones.
Is it good that I took the hardest question then?
Probably not, but I can't do much about it now.
Just try to focus on the question and put on more debates
this time around.
Since apparently I have to much facts,
like that has ever been a problem but still.
I am trying to make it fit together but in the brain?!
It is to much things I can write about,
1000 word is not enough!
Complaining about the shortness of the essay?
I almost take that back.
I really don't want to go to a lecture by myself tomorrow,
seems like it is not worth it.
But dad said " see school as a job",
so that's what I'm going to do.
Refuse to give up,
and tomorrow I'm going to say that I want to work instead.
Ah, screw my mood swings.
I just have to endure this night and it will be fine.
Just don't fall recklessly, headlessly in love with me
Cause its gonna be all heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity if we agree
Cause its gonna be all heartbreak
blissfully painful and insanity if we agree
Zeitgeist
After seeing the film my worst fears
that I have been trying to ignore,
just came true.
What are we suppose to do now?
Just obey and fall over for the
new social structure that is going to take place?
I do not want to live on my knees
like an animal restrained by cruelty and power.
Is it strange if I say that I am kinda scared?
To live in a world of constant fear was from the
very beginning very obvious.
But to be scared of the people that have the most
power over you and the rest of the world is not just
scary, it is fucking terrifying.
I am no longer afraid of being attacked on my way home,
not afraid of being hit by a bus.
I am afraid of being manipulated into something I am not,
and to have my integrity misplace because I can not defend it.
Well, maybe I should try to focus on my studies instead.
But it is really hard because I can not deny what is
happening around me.
If such things can happen to them,
why shouldn't it happen to me?
gosh, I am just going to lay down and read Kafka instead.
